Do You Really Wish You Could Just Say No?
I was on a walk and looked down and saw this adorable little fairy garden door. I kind of see it as protecting the space as you want to protect your space (and time).
When someone asks you to commit to a project, volunteer with a group or attend a meeting, is your default answer, “yes”? Or are you able to reflect and give a firm “no”? Or do you say yes, but wish you said no?
Managing commitments is a challenging task. Everyone wants a piece of us, and we can be left feeling overwhelmed, stressed and even resentful. How many times have you agreed to something but then regretted your answer (either immediately, or later)?
I think we’ve all been there. We’ve ended up overextended, annoyed and stressed, yet we often didn’t learn our lesson and we keep saying yes.
I remember one group I worked with several years ago. As a group, we kept saying “yes.” One of the challenges, though, is that it wasn’t always external people and projects doing the asking. We were our own biggest problem. We had so many ideas and just wanted to do them all. We were excited and kept taking on projects; either before another one was done, or without necessary recovery time in between (on the occasion that we did wait).
It took a huge toll on us, and we were exhausted and not functioning at our best. I know I felt overwhelmed and was starting to feel resentful towards the massive time commitment and also towards the organization.
At this point, I was doing research for a course I was creating and I came across Michael Bungay Stanier’s amazing coaching question: (Learn more)
Bam.
That question hit me like a cross between love at first sight and being hit by a ton of bricks. It’s been years, but for anyone who knows me, they know that this has become one of my favorite questions; and I’m serious about the answer.
OK, so that’s great, but how do we say no? Especially for the people pleasers out there who don’t want to feel like they are letting someone down.
Values
Reflect on your values. Does this ask align with your values? If not, then it’s an easy no thank you. Don’t feel guilty; when you work on something that does not align with your values, you aren’t giving your best work, and the organization, person or project deserves someone’s best. In this case, it deserves someone else’s best.
For an organization, does the ask align with your corporate mission, vision and values? If not, then put it in a parking lot or get rid of it altogether. If there is pushback, ask the other party how it aligns and use that as the start of a conversation.
Priorities
We can’t keep adding to our priorities. The whole point of having priorities is that they are the most important things on which to focus. Adding more just dilutes them. I love the quote
I wrote about priorities and the Most Important Thing here.
If a request doesn’t align with your priorities (even if it an appropriate query), try pushing back a little and asking if it is urgent or if you can get back to them within a certain timeframe. We often think that when someone asks us to do something, it is urgent, but in reality, it can wait a bit. Following up a request with, “When do you need this by?” or even stating when you can get it done, “I can’t get to this today, but I could get an answer to you by Monday. Does that work?” Either way, it starts a conversation. At work, you can talk to your supervisor about what needs to fall off your priority list in order to complete the task.
Interest
Do you want to do it? Outside of necessary or required tasks, over which you do not have as much control, ask yourself if you are truly interested. Did a friend ask you to come to group gathering and you don’t feel like going? Politely decline (a simple “thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not able to attend” works). You don’t need to say, “No thanks. I don’t want to go” nor do you need to accept. Often times, we feel obligated to accept invitations or to provide justification about why we don’t want to, or can’t attend. If you really like your friend, and want to see them, maybe respond, “I’m sorry that I can’t make that work, but I’d love to get together with you for coffee or dinner” which might work for those who are people pleasers.
I think often times we feel guilty about saying no. But going to an event, joining a group or committing to something out of guilt and obligation does not serve us. Create a list of polite, but firm, ways to decline these requests and practice using them.
Realign
Sometimes a request comes in that after careful consideration, you do want to say “yes” to. Ensure you take time to evaluate your capacity and determine how you can fit it in. Maybe you have lots of time, in which case, there is no issue. Perhaps, you need to push tasks or commitments out a bit to fit it in. Or possibly taking on something new will mean you need to pull out of a group.
At any rate, don’t just say “yes” by default. Ask yourself how the request aligns with values, priorities and interests. If after careful consideration, a “yes” is warranted, then reflect on what might need to change or adapt to make it work. A one-off ask might not require any reconfiguration, but a bigger commitment certainly will.
As a leader, ensure you are carefully balancing your requests of your team. Protect their time and priorities. Ensure they have capacity for projects and stay curious about what might need to either fall off their plate, or be pushed out, if you are adding something new. And model this behaviour to them so they know it’s OK to ask the question.
I write a lot about busyness and time management. Interested in more? Check out these blog posts: