Imposter Syndrome

I love taking photos of butterflies. You have to be so still to capture them. Still isn’t a natural state for me, so it’s a good push.

I’ve been working on quieting my mind more recently (see this blog post) and seeing what thoughts emerge. This morning’s quiet time brought forth the idea of grad school and imposter syndrome. I’ve thought about getting a master’s degree on and off for years, however a MEd seemed somewhat useless since I didn’t want to work in the traditional school system. Then one day, I discovered a Master of Arts in Leadership program and an epiphany hit. I could follow my passion in leadership and get a masters. And so, the early concept of Leadership and Life emerged.

I made plans and started to put in place the application requirements. My timeline was specific as I was planning an extended holiday in 2020 and wanted to start school after my return. I had a solid plan. I had a checklist, and I was marking off the boxes. Then the pandemic hit, and everything stopped. The trip was cancelled and thus, my return to school delayed.

The launching of my business was tied (very strongly in my head) to finishing grad school. Unfortunately, I was now looking at a 2 year delay to start, and a resulting 4 years until completion. I had a ton of reflection ahead of me to decide whether I wanted to really wait that long. That reflection took me deep down a rabbit hole of why I had tied the two events together so closely. When I made the plan, it was simple; I wouldn’t have a ton of time to build a business and go to school (and be a mom and volunteer which are also really important to me).

So, why the strong tether? Simply put, it was because I felt I needed the legitimacy of those letters to make people think I was qualified. Wow. Like any good questioner, I kept asking why? Why did I feel I needed them? Why would my experience not be enough? Then a couple of weeks ago, I was working with a friend who does marketing and she made a comment that stuck in my head: “Stop trying to convince people you are qualified. They will either believe it or not.”

Wow. That one hit me hard. Smack dab in my face.

I’ve thought about that comment off and on (more on than off if I’m being honest). I was on a run this morning and I was thinking about the idea of imposter syndrome, and why I am so paralyzed by it with the leadership stuff as it isn’t a large barrier in other in other areas of my life. I remember being invited to a results review and being told, “I think you are just supposed to sit in the back and not say anything.” Without thinking, I replied, “Well, I don’t do either of those well, so if you invite me, you get all of me.” I had no problem feeling like I belonged, and brought meaning to that meeting, so why the disconnect with the leadership?

Is it because it’s paid versus volunteer? Maybe? Possibly, it’s because I feel like I need to convince people I bring value? But my friend’s words kept spinning in my head. They combined with words of another friend who says, “I belong at this table since I am the expert in my child.” Then as I was running, this thought popped into my head: “What if I reframed it to I am the expert in my experiences, and those experiences are valuable?”

Now I had a starting point and I could dig in. That was an interesting reframe, but definitely one I can work with. Stop trying to convince people I’m qualified, since I am the expert in my experiences and those experiences are valuable.

And as I explore this though further, I recognize that maybe the people I need to convince aren’t the ones I should work with. I have 30 years of leadership experiences including 25 years of teaching experience and there is definite value in that, regardless of the letters behind my name. So, I go back to a trick I learned from a Mel Robbins course about flipping the narrative when you’re nervous (“I’m so nervous to do this thing”) to excited (“I’m so excited to do this thing”). Our brains can’t tell the difference as both emotions manifest themselves the same in our bodies (butterflies, weak legs, a bit of the shakes) and we can reframe our thoughts and lead our brain. So, now I am working on reframing the nerves into excitement.