How to Choose Yes

I was researching for the leadership course I teach and I found a list of 7 essential questions when coaching or making a decision.

Question number 5: ”If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?”

It hit me like a ton of bricks as I had a tendency to say yes without really considering the cost of that yes.

A few years ago, I read Shonda Rhimes’ book, A Year of Yes. She had the opposite issue to me and generally said no, so she wanted to open her heart to new experiences and opportunities that she may have skipped previously. I really enjoyed the book, however, it made me think about my commitments and I worked on A Year of No. I focused on my Why (I love Simon Sinek) and decided to only commit myself to opportunities which helped me achieve it. I had said yes to a few possibilities which were outside my Why and I ended up resentful and miserable.

The challenge came as I have lots of options to live my Why, but still limited time and ability. With three very busy children and working part-time, I have limited time. So, I have been working on answering the question about what I am saying no to if I say yes to this.

Often the answer is, I’m not willing to say yes which is OK. Sometimes, it’s tough as it’s an opportunity that I would love. But knowing that I need to spend more time away from my family helps mitigate the disappointment. Also knowing my Why and that my experience with volunteering in areas outside of it have generally ended poorly, it has been easier to say no. Time is finite and we ought to ensure we are filling it with rewarding experiences whenever possible.

With applying to school coming up, and planning ahead at the commitment to execute grad school, I’ve been asking myself this question often. I need to know that if I am going to commit to school, that I have the time to be successful without feeling like I’m drowning. A recent webinar I watched stated that I should expect to spend 15-20 hours per week on school. That’s a half-time job, so I am slowly going through my life trying to find that time in advance. I know that saying yes to grad school will mean saying no to something and I don’t want it to be my health, family or sanity.

This question extends beyond just myself. It’s a great question to ask when a new opportunity or idea presents at work. We only have limited capacity and so if you say yes to a new project, what will fall off? All too often, we believe we can just keep taking on opportunities, commitments or projects, but the truth is that there is an eventual cost to it. Perhaps we will end up working so much that we get sick, or we miss the important family events, or another project at work suffers. We have this belief that we are infallible and that we can do anything, but the truth is, we have limits. And balance is important.

So, the next time an opportunity arises, ask yourself what you need to say no to, if you say yes to it.