Searching for Optimism and Gratitude

I finished Michael J. Fox’s latest book this weekend. He’s one of my favorite actors and I’ve read all his books.

I love Michael J. Fox. I remember watching him as Alex P. Keaton in “Family Ties,” and being drawn to his character. As I became older, I loved “Back to the Future” and “Spin City” too. I read his first memoir, “Lucky Man” when it was released in 2002 and it solidified my admiration. Recently, I read his latest book, “No Time Like the Future,” and there were a few lines that just hit me, so I thought, what better way to dig in and explore them, than in a blog post.

I am not sure exactly what drew me to Fox; maybe it was that he was Canadian, or born in Edmonton and I felt somehow connected, but I admire how he has maintained a sense of optimism despite a Parkinson’s diagnosis at the age of 29, at the peak of his career. He went through a dark time after the diagnosis, but he fought through and emerged stronger. That he still acted occasionally too (I loved to hate Louis Canning on “The Good Wife”) elevated him in my eyes.

I love reading his books, but I don’t always understand his sense of optimism. I’m not necessarily a pessimist, but maybe I identify more as a realist? Whatever the label, I struggle with the upbeat vision during adversity. Enter COVID-19 and the pandemic, and to say I have struggled with optimism would be a gross overstatement when it comes to describing the past 9 months. In my brain, I know that practicing gratitude can help your outlook; I’ve read it in books, heard it on podcasts and seen it in TED Talks. When I’m in the thick of the shitstorm, however, I struggle. I’m not sure if I don’t believe it works, or if I just don’t want to see the good when I feel so crappy. It’s tough to break that cycle though (I feel bad, so I don’t want to practice gratitude and I doubt that gratitude will bring me out of it).

I could dig in and explore that last sentence a lot, but back to book. On p. 159, Fox writes,

“There is no way to put a shine on my circumstance, as I have so many times in the past, publicly and privately. Positivism is a state of mind one achieves, and I am presently an underachiever.”

Holy crap. Those two lines stopped me in my tracks. I reread them multiple times, then underlined them, added a star and dog-eared the page as I knew I’d be coming back to dig deeper. “Positivism is a state of mind one achieves …” is a line I understand. I know that some people are amazing at seeing the glass half full. I have one friend who oozes inspiration and positivity. I truly admire her ability to take a shitshow and turn it into something amazing. In general, I do try to find the positive and see the best, and I can definitely fake it well. When I’m in the middle of the shitshow, however, I am definitely an underachiever as Fox describes.

I want to see the positive side when I’m faced with the loss this pandemic keeps bringing. Next week, my older two kids move to online learning as the government has closed in person school to grades seven to twelve. I can’t visit my friends indoors (and I don’t do winter outside well, but that’s another post) which means unless it’s warm, I don’t really get to see them (Zoom fatigue is definitely a thing) and my kids aren’t playing soccer since that was shuttered a few weeks ago. I love my family, but unlike me, their need for conversation and interaction is much lower. I struggled with these exact feelings in April, but at least then, the weather was warming and I could get outside. Currently, the days are getting shorter, the snow deeper and the weather colder which definitely adds to my struggle. And 9 months in, I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of second-guessing my decisions (see this blog post) and worrying about COVID. In March, I couldn’t have imagined the nightmare still playing out as we ended 2020.

Later, on page 197, Fox writes,

“The core lesson Stephen left with me is this: With gratitude, optimism becomes sustainable.”

As I reflect on this sentence, I go back to the podcasts, TED Talks, blog posts, books and advice that I hear repeatedly (hello, Red Cars anyone). I feel called to listen and maybe now, I’ve heard it enough times that I will believe it. I know that sometimes people need to hear things multiple times before they truly hear it for the first time. I like to think I’m a first time and get it person, but truthfully, that isn’t always true. Sometimes, I need to hear it multiple times and then be beaten over the head with it before I believe it. And truthfully, what I have been doing isn’t really working; I’m tired of feeling this way, so it’s worth a shot anyway. Worse case scenario, I have lists of good things, and I still feel crappy. That seems like a reasonable risk. Best case scenario, I find a coping mechanism as I dig into this tough time.

Finally, on p. 226, Fox ends with this paragraph,

“Really, it comes down to gratitude. I am grateful for all of it – every bad break, every wrong turn, and the unexpected losses – because they’re real. It puts into sharp relief the joy, the accomplishments, the overwhelming love of my family. I can be both a realist and an optimist.”

I know that I need to feel the tough emotions to feel the amazing ones. Brené Brown explained (in this Ted Talk) that you can’t selectively feel emotions; if you numb the shitty ones, you numb the good ones too. I have been practicing feeling the pain and loss, and the sadness is definitely there; not pushed down, but rather, cursing through my body. I’m tired of feeling sad though, and need to do something to try to turn the corner. The pandemic will be here tomorrow, whether I feel happy or sad. I need to work on the optimism, while still acknowledging my realism. I know that time helps heal wounds, and I know that as days, months and years pass, I will heal from this, but I also know that I need to find a way through the crisis first. So, while the search for gratitude may be more difficult right now, I am going to give it a try.