It's Not Easy Being Green ... or Blue

This photo hit me as I was looking through some photos from last year and I figured it was perfect for this post. It’s easy to only see the carnage (the dead trees from the 2017 Waterton Lake Provincial Park Fire). They fill most of the frame. But if I look down at what’s right in front of me, I see the regrowth which includes lots of flowers. When I look beyond the dead forest, I can see the beauty. It’s tough when you are in the middle of tough times to see the flowers and beauty beyond. It’s there, but we need to look way harder to see it.

It’s been a tough morning. And frankly, yesterday felt rough too. I sit under a cloud of sadness, longing and uncertainty and I feel myself falling into a funk. I knew I needed to write my rough draft of this post today so I would have time to review and edit it this week, but I did not feel like writing, nor did I know what to even write. I feel as though I have nothing witty or inspiring to share. Then I remembered that sometimes we all feel uninspired and not witty, and it is OK to model my struggle too.

Whenever I feel down, for some reason I think of Kermit the Frog singing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” I don’t remember the lyrics past the first line, so I went searching today and they are not as depressing as they are in my head. They actually speak to adapting and changing focus and mindset which seems rather appropriate.

We are two weeks into schools being closed and physical distancing and frankly, it feels like so much longer. Every day I watch our Chief Medical Officer of Health (who is a rock star) update Albertans, and I take comfort from her calm demeanor and the words she speaks. She doesn’t update on the weekend and I miss her reassuring nature. The number of new cases jumped quite a bit yesterday, and along with news that more businesses are temporarily closing, and education funding will be decreased, I have felt overwhelmed and powerless.

I’m a planner and I feel like I can deal with anything if I can make a plan. This global pandemic, however, has rendered planning rather futile. We don’t know when we will get a handle on it; when we will be able to gather together again. We don’t really even know if we are flattening the curve. Every day in the press conference, a reporter asks Dr. Hinshaw what our numbers are telling us, and she consistently repeats that we don’t fully know yet. I think the restrictions would be a bit easier if we know they were making a positive difference.

Yesterday, it also snowed. It had been reasonably nice the past week; at least for Alberta in March, but it’s getting colder again and the forecast calls for more snow. I’m fairly fair-weathered and don’t do well in the cold, and so staying inside while I watch the snow rain down like danger forcing me inside deepens my funk.

I don’t do well when I feel like this; no one does. And I need to find a way to crawl out of it. To find the joy and gratitude which needs to replace the sadness and fear. I need to find a way to not feel anger because people are still gathering and not following physical distancing. I go back to what I say to my kids when they are upset about what one of the others is doing; “Who do you need to worry about?” The challenge is that my worry is for my family and friends, but all I can control is what I do; what I do to physical distance and what I do to create as much positive as possible in this crazy new existence.

That may look different tomorrow than it does today, but I need to create a bit more of a routine for myself. I have tons of projects and definitely ample time, but bedtime seems to come and I’ve wasted the time on nothing; often scrolling social media which rarely improves my mood. I need to set daily goals and actually put the effort into achieving them. I was doing well with exercise, but then stopped which didn’t help. I actually spent some time scrapbooking this week which was nice. I can possibly finish off the layouts for my daughter’s tenth year (I’m pretty far behind so I definitely have lots to do) in the next week or two. I’m well ahead of where I need to be to accomplish my 100 layouts this year, so I will keep plugging away. And I need to reach out more to my friends. I’m social and not being able to go for coffee or drinks has been hard, but in the technological age we live in, I can manufacture it virtually. It’s not the same, but it’s better than sulking alone. I also need to find different ways to feel like I am improving life for others; to feel like I am using the privilege I know I have to help someone else.

So rather than focusing on being green (or blue as has been more accurate), I will change my lens and try to see all the colours and choose the ones which will elevate me. It’s certainly much easier to write about it, than to execute, but while I have the time, I might as well use it to practice.

Note: I wrote this one week ago and while I am feeling better, the struggle is still there. I was going to add a footnote about this past week, but then I decided to just leave the post as is. Raw is OK. Honest is OK.