FFT: A Real World Application
I was driving one evening and the sunset was so stunning I had to pull over and take a photo. There wasn’t really anywhere ideal for picture taking, so it’s kind of industrial, but it is still a piece of beauty in a challenging world.
Brene Brown talks about FFTs which she uses to describe F&*king First Times (or Freaking First Times/Effing First Times if you are swear word adverse, which she is not), and they were the topic of her first “Unlocking Us” podcast. I love the concept and have been working to incorporate it.
In her podcast, she talks about how we need to show ourselves some love when we are about to do something for the first time.
Think back to something recent that you needed to do for the first time (this should be rather easy as everything during the pandemic seems like a first time). As I go through my own experience with a FFT, I hope that you can follow along and apply her framework to your situation.
The Situation
I teach a monthly leadership course at work and when COVID hit and the company decided to close the office to non-essential staff, we chose to suspend the leadership course. Originally, we believed we’d be able to start it up again once we were able to reconvene, but as the months passed, we realized that it would be longer than we thought and we really didn’t know when that would be. We eventually decided to try it with a hybrid in person/remote model. We would use the big conference room, and those who attended in person would wear a mask. We would not bring in food, and would eat lunch at our desks, rather than together as we had before (I always made a hot meal and we ate together).
I was nervous about starting again. We were using a different conference room and the technology was different, and I had no idea how it worked or whether I could get everyone connected so we could see each other. It had been seven months since our last session together, and while I had prepped the next lesson, I couldn’t remember exactly what I had planned, nor where we left off in some areas. I worried that something would feel like it was missing because we couldn’t spend time together “breaking bread.” And in the back of my mind, I feared that I’d be alone in the room trying to manage everything by myself.
The Framework
Brene’s first step is to “Normalize.” She states that you need to accept that your feelings of fear and worry are normal. If you are doing something for the first time, then it’s bound to feel overwhelming and that’s OK. For me, I did that by being honest with everyone in the group. I described how I was nervous about getting the tech to work and talked about my sense of loss in not being able to feed them. I explained that I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage some of the partner work that I normally planned. Really, I was just completely honest with myself, and with them. I didn’t try to pretend that it would all go flawlessly (I’m not the person to make tech flawless ever!) They were incredibly understanding.
Her second step is to “Put it into Perspective.” You need to understand that your feelings will not last forever. I think it’s important to ask yourself, “what is the worst that can happen? What could go wrong?” For my situation, I already had a good relationship with this group, and they knew that making technology work wasn’t what I brought to the table, so I was able to address my fear that I’d look dumb if I couldn’t get the technology to work properly. The bonus, was that the group I was teaching are great at tech and I knew I could just ask them to make it work, and someone would. And that it wouldn’t be the first time I had asked, so they might even expect it. There is a great quote from The Princess Bride that I love and reference often:
“Anticipation is greater than any pleasure or pain”
I knew that my worrying and waiting was going to be worse than if the tech didn’t work, so I was able to take a deep breath and put that to the side. I also knew that they all understood the constraints COVID had placed on us, and that while we would have preferred to eat a great meal together, the absence of that ritual wouldn’t seriously detract from the experience (despite what my ego told me about the power of my cooking). I talked about my FFT at the beginning of the class and just asked them to be gentle with me (which they totally were).
The third and final step is to “Reality Check Your Expectation.” Yeah. This is a big one. The first time you do something, you aren’t going to be perfect and you certainly aren’t going to be as good as someone who has done it multiple times before. Brene says that you need to “make sure you don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle” and she’s completely right. For me, that meant being gentle with myself, and knowing that the experience wasn’t going to be the same as when I had them all gathered in the same room. Subsequent attempts will improve, but I needed to lose the vision of what a perfect session would be and create a more realistic vision. I needed to recognize that I likely would have some kind of issue with technology and most people being remote (yup – that came true, but I learned from it). I also needed to readjust my expectation that I needed to deliver an amazing session. I absolutely did my best, but I gave myself some compassion around the fact that I felt I’d deliver a better experience in a different format (since that wasn’t my reality).
In the end, following the model, and being vulnerable and honest with my group made the session exceed my anticipated expectations. As we closed, I thanked them for the understanding, and one person even commented that they didn’t feel the issues that I saw, were as bad as I felt they were. Overall, they were just happy that we were meeting again, and once I got over myself, so was I.
Learn more about Brene Brown’s FFT Podcast Episode on my Resources Page