I'm So Freaking Tired
I saw this tree when I was out for a walk and something about it made me stop and take a picture. And it kind of reminded me of how I feel. Full of extra stuff going on all around me, but still strong on the inside; even if I don’t look or feel it.
I just got back from doing errands, and I feel exhausted. While I was out, I got an email from one of my kids’ schools saying there was a positive COVID-19 case and we would be notified if our child was considered a close contact and needed to isolate. This is the second of these emails I’ve gotten this week. It certainly affected my mood while out. Combined with the masks, sanitizing, and working to keep distance, a simple trip to the store becomes work. I don’t just run out quickly anymore. I tend to procrastinate going out until I totally need to.
I find myself a lot more tired now. I am a planner, and I feel like I have no ability to plan for anything as the slightest sniffle sends everything into a tailspin, like knocking over a house of cards. I have an in-person course next week, and I’m terrified that I’m going to develop even a slight symptom, and not be able to attend. Originally scheduled for May, it was postponed until October, and I’ve been looking forward to it since I registered in March. And lately, I feel like I really need something to look forward to.
As I sit with my feelings of overwhelmedness and exhaustion, I question my ability to lead. I don’t know how to lead in a pandemic. I have no experience. I feel like I can barely show up for myself at times, never mind for those around me. I have emotions sitting just beneath the surface, waiting to erupt like a volcano (with no warning), and I feel like I have no control. All the skills and emotions I call on to help me lead seem like they are in a chaotic mess. I feel like I have no business standing in front of anyone giving advice, and often, I wonder whether I have the capability to support them.
So, what do I do? How do I lead? I think it starts with taking a deep breath and a step back, and then addressing the fears one by one.
I don’t know how to lead through a pandemic: I need to recognize that there are not a ton of people out there with experience leading through a global pandemic, so I should cut myself some slack.
I’m scared to be vulnerable as I don’t know what emotion might follow: I need to ask myself, what is the worst that can happen if that emotion follows. I might cry. I’m guessing that there will be times when tears do follow something I say. When I write it out, it doesn’t seem as scary. I can try to pre-empt that by stating that I’m feeling emotional, and I can model the struggle.
I don’t know how to help others: It’s not my job to solve problems for others, and this is a good reminder that by trying to do so, I am robbing them of the satisfaction of solving problems themselves. I can ask good questions, and I am fairly confident that I can still do that. And I can recognize that it’s OK to sit in silence while I think of what to ask.
I’m worried that I am not going to support someone who needs it: I can remind myself to keep my eyes open for those around me who need support, but I can also make sure to offer repeatedly, and to help people realize that I may not notice, but that they can always ask for help, and I will be there.
I have two choices now. I can use what I have to lead the best I can. No one expects perfection (I don’t think they do anytime, never mind in a pandemic), or I can be overwhelmed and give up. I will choose continuing to show up, and doing the best I can while I also do everything I can to take care of myself. What does that look like?
Getting 7-8 hours of sleep including some quiet resting time before going to sleep
Ensuring I am eating well and drinking lots of water. I need to physically take care of myself and fuel my body well.
Trying to go for a walk daily. I haven’t been good about this lately, and I need to make it more of a priority
Taking quiet time to recharge. That will take different forms depending on my mood, but I need to build in time to do it whether it’s taking a bath, talking to a friend, sitting by myself for awhile, blogging, reading or crafting
Journaling – I need to get out my worries and frustrations so that they don’t multiply in my body and mind. If I can release them, then I can hopefully focus on more positive things instead.
I’m not saying any of this is easy, because it definitely isn’t. But I’m not sure there is another option, other than living in bed under my covers. I have a husband and kids to show up for, and other commitments too. I’ve been careful about taking on new commitments though, which is also part of my pandemic survival toolkit.
I’m still exhausted and I still feel overwhelmed, but I won’t let those two emotions claim victory. I will show up as best I can each day, and lead from there. I don’t have to be 100% on all the time, and recognizing that is a first step. And just like I encourage others to tell me when they need something, I need to be willing to do that too. And I remind myself, that I know what to do; I just need to do it.