Readjusting Expectations
I had no idea what photo to choose for this post and this one just made me think about reflection which seemed fitting for this topic.
In the middle of a pandemic, I reflect on my goals and expectations, which I am finding incredibly difficult.
I looked back at some of the goals that I set for 2020 that I will not accomplish. I had set a goal to take my family to Europe (which had seemed like a slam dunk at the time). The trip was planned, flights were booked, deposit paid. Since Europe has been brutally hit by the Coronavirus, and travel is not recommended (even within Canada unless essential), we decided to postpone (I’m not even sure we actually decided; it feels like it was pretty much decided for us). We had chosen summer 2020 as our oldest child would be entering grade twelve in the fall. Next year, we thought she might want to work or travel before post-secondary. When COVID-19 first became a household name back in March, it seemed like an impossibility that travel would still be restricted months later, however, the reality appears that it will last longer than this summer.
When I first started thinking about our trip and postponing to next year, I was filled with roadblocks to that plan. Firstly, Kayla’s situation and whether she would be here next summer or if she would be working or traveling. Secondly, I was going to be in grad school next summer. I delayed applying until after our trip so that I wouldn’t be balancing a major trip with school commitments. As I thought about pushing our trip, I also had to readjust expectations around school. It felt like a row of dominos and pushing the first one affected others. Since another 2020 goal was to be accepted into grad school, I would need to readjust that expectation too.
It has felt like this year would be one of disappointments. We were all excited about the trip and I was jazzed about the leadership course and grad school. Upon deep reflection (it took a long time, and I’m not totally convinced I am over it really), I realized that pushing both one year won’t end me. I’m not overly patient, so it feels like a huge weight on my chest that I just want lifted, but I’m working on that.
I recently reflected again on my 2020 goals and if I am being truly honest, other than those two, the rest are accomplishable. And if I push myself to find the positive in this pandemic, I have time to get many of them done (motivation is a completely different story though, and a separate blog post too). I can still work on managing my email inbox and finishing some online courses I signed up for last year. I can work on my 505 personal miles and the 100 scrapbook layouts. And since we are at home and seem to be not spending as much, I can meeting my savings goals too.
I also need to readjust my short-term expectations too. I normally expect a lot of myself and I love the feeling of accomplishment. During the past few weeks, however, I have not had the motivation to push myself. I’ve been coping with some loss which has definitely affected my ability to see clearly, so I need to ensure I am kind with myself and that I shift expectations of myself (and my family too). Some of these are routine based; the kids emptied the dishwasher before I would drive them to school which helped keep the kitchen clean. Now they stay home and the trigger of leaving the house is gone, so emptying the dishwasher in the morning seems to be hit and miss. Additionally, having an additional four people at home every day increases the mess in the kitchen, so I’ve had to let go of how much it bothers me. I am readjusting to having an additional four people in the house every day. It’s not like it’s noisy though as they are all introverts working away in their own space. But I loved my quiet days at home alone (mostly because they were few and far between as I seemed to either have work or other commitments). The space was mine in a world where so little time seemed to belong to me.
I actually think that this day to day change has been harder than the bigger ones around postponing our trip and grad school. I’ve struggled with the changes to my daily routine, but I realize that routine is important and so I think I need to build that back into my life. I don’t have the routine of taking the kids to school (and of actually getting up earlier than them to get stuff done on the busy days – I don’t seem to have busy days so I don’t feel the need to get up earlier than them). Mostly though, I think I need to realize that we are living through a global pandemic, and I just need to be gentle with myself, ensure I am readjusting my expectations of myself and others so that they are realistic and then work towards accomplishing them.