Dare to Lead
Brené Brown’s book, Dare to Lead, is a fabulous read for anyone who wants to lead others.
Last week I was excited to take Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead course. It was a long, but amazing, three days and I learned so much. Kim Knull facilitated a fabulous, but intensive, workshop. She’s trained to teach several of Brené Brown’s workshops, so check out her website to learn more.
I first heard of Brené Brown a couple of years ago when I watched this TED Talk. I then read Dare to Lead and I was excited to start listening to her podcast, Unlocking Us, which launched earlier this year (and then Dare to Lead in October). I’ve mentioned her when I blogged about feeling all your emotions (Red Cars) and about Freaking First Times (FFTs).
Brené has done tons of research about what makes people great leaders, and she believes that courage is the key element. She teaches that courage is teachable, observable and measurable, and she references great leadership as courageous or daring leadership. Anyone can be a leader (an argument I believe 100%); leaders are not based on title or position.
I thought I’d summarize what I learned, and some of the key tidbits that hit me hard (although it’s so hard to pick just a few). These also serve as a remind to me to practise them daily.
“If you aren’t in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
We need to decide which voices deserve space in our hearts and heads. Brené has a Square Squad in her Dare to Lead workbook. You have a one inch square in which to put initials of anyone whose opinion you truly value. It should only hold 3-5 people. If someone isn’t in your Square Squad, their opinion does not matter. End. Stop. Often, we get caught up in what other people think, or in their opinions, and we need to check that. Random people on the Internet (or acquaintances either for that matter) should not drag us down.
“Embrace the suck.”
Getting down and dirty; challenging your thoughts; having difficult conversations are all going to feel sucky at some point (and probably at many points). We need to accept this and just embrace it. We can’t run from the hard parts – they will lead us to the rewards. When we accept that there will be hard parts we do not enjoy, we can learn to recognize them and dig in, rather than run away. Growth is not without pain and challenge; it is working through those which give us the greatest rewards.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. ”
This quote is apparently in Star Wars (don’t throw things, but I haven’t actually watched Star Wars). For me, my sad emotions are definitely the cave I fear to enter. I’ve written about that before, and I’m working on it, but I know I need to enter it in order to truly feel the treasure which will come as a reward after.
“Stay out of Judgment.”
We need to stay curious about the other person’s story. If we don’t ask, we don’t know what is going on, or what might be driving their behaviour. She also teaches that we ought to assume the other person is doing the best they can, as this changes our intention, and how we approach them. She tells the story of asking her husband, Steve, whether he thought people were doing the best they could, and ultimately, he replied with, “I have no idea, but what I do know is my life is better when I assume they are.” (check out this great video where she talks more about this). Truly, this hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so easy to judge, but I have no idea the demons someone else is fighting, and I think Steve is right; it’s easier on my head and my heart to just believe the best in people. It’s not easier to do, but I do think approaching a situation with a lens of curiosity and generosity will get me further than though judgment.
“Clear is Kind. Unclear is unkind.”
I love this quote and it reminds me of Kim Scott’s Radical Candor paradigm. We ought to be honest (we can do this with kindness though). We often have a tendency to say “maybe” when we want to spare the other person’s feelings. But telling the truth is just easier. By saying maybe, we are just prolonging the pain. I’m reminded of a story about my daughter; she was asked to join a sports team and replied, “no, thank you.” I asked her why she didn’t say that she’d think about it and her answer surprised me, “I do not want to play on that team, so to say that I will think about it is just cruel.” It hit me that at 15, she was so much better than I was about being clear, and it is an area I am actively working on.
I look back at these key learnings and really, they are about being a better person which will make me a better leader. It reinforces my belief that leadership is truly integrated with life (thus the name of this website).
Note: Brené Brown has a Dare to Lead workbook which you can use to work through her concepts. Find it here along with tons of other leadership resources.
Learn more about Dare to Lead on my Resources Page