Overcoming Fear
It’s nearing the end of the first week of my Academic Writing and Critical Thinking course and I am starting to feel better about it.
The course started Monday and looking back at my text messages from that day, I can pull out a common theme that could best be summarized as “Crap. What did I sign up for? Can I do this? Am I smart enough?” Luckily, I have amazing friends who held me up and encouraged me.
It’s been over 20 years since I finished university. In those twenty years, I have written a ton, but all functional writing. Lesson plans, unit summaries, handouts, worksheets, minutes, proposals, blog posts, presentations and speeches. Some of these have been major undertakings (I have a blog post on the Microsoft website and have given speeches to several hundred people), although none have really worried me in a way that I thought I couldn’t do them.
This course, however, has made me doubt myself in all kinds of ways. Am I smart enough? Do I belong here? Can I do this work? What if I fail? The best way to overcome doubt, is to start looking at each of these logically (and to enlist the support of those around you when necessary). So here I go:
Am I smart enough? I graduated university and have accomplished many things since, so yes, I must be smart enough. And when I really questioned it, I utilized the call a friend lifeline and put the fear out there to her. She reassured me that yes, indeed, I am smart enough to tackle this.
Do I belong here? This course is a pre-requisite for admission to my the Masters course I want to take, so yes, I belong here. I have the experience to apply for the program, so I must have the ability to do this work.
Can I do this course work? I believe I can. The job of the instructor is to teach me and while I may not know (or remember) how to write academically, I will learn, and I have the opportunity to ask questions along the way. I have support, and ultimately, her job is to help me succeed, not to watch me fail, so yes, I can do this course work.
What if I fail? If I fail, I can take the course again. I am not starting my program until the end of the year, so if I need a second attempt to be successful, I’ve built in time.
I’ve also spent time this week talking to my children about these fears. One of my big goals as a mother is to create independent, resilient little humans and I need to model how to address fear and emerge on the other side of the seemingly insurmountable mountain. Just like I teach them other skills, I must teach them this one and so I must model it. I must make them understand that I get overwhelmed or nervous or even afraid and I must show them how I face it.
Year ago, I read The Princess Bride by William Golding and there was a quote in the book that really stuck with me
“Anticipation is greater than any pleasure or pain.”
I reflect on that quote often. I find so much truth in it. I remember when I was young and would get into trouble (OK, I was the good kid, but there was the odd occasion) and my parents would send me to my room while saying, “Think about what you did and I will come talk to you later.” The waiting was worse generally than the punishment they doled out. The anticipation of this course and the worry and anxiety around it, have definitely been worse.
I’m almost one week in (yeah – 12.5% over in my math-focused mind) and I’m feeling better; more prepared. Monday was a tough day as I determined what would be expected and the anticipated commitment (the course outline said to prepare to spend 15-20 hours a week on this course and they did not overestimate it). But as I do whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, I started creating lists: what did I need to read, what resources did I have, what were my deadlines and then I started allocating time to each requirement. I blocked time in my calendar (this is a newer concept I’ve been working on – more in a future blog post). I started allocating tasks to days and making a plan to get me through this first week.
So, here it is on Saturday and my first assignment is about 95% done. I could probably submit it now, but I will wait and see if anyone else provides feedback and I will submit it tomorrow. I have looked ahead to next week and started making my plan. I will take it week by week and ask for help and clarification as I need it. I will chunk it so that it feels more manageable and I will believe in myself, since it truly all starts with that. And if the doubts start creeping in, I will answer them as best I can, enlisting the help of others to support me. Since that’s why we have a support system and we need to be unafraid to use it.