Why Are Boundaries So Hard?
This was me disconnecting. Watching the sun set over the Bay of Naples in Italy. Yup. I’ll take it.
We have a somewhat compulsive relationship with email. I’m guilty of it for sure too. I check it far too often, and often mindlessly when I have a short empty downtime moment. It’s almost unconscious (not unlike my scrolling social media habit which is also unhelpful).
To be completely truthful, I just caught myself checking email as I took a pause writing this post (not a break either; just a stop and collect my thoughts pause).
I am just returning after a one-month vacation, and I’ve been thinking about why it is so hard to completely disconnect when taking time off. I experimented with conscious disconnection when I went to Jasper for 5 days earlier this year. I found myself hitting the little email icon on my phone completely unconsciously. I decided I would spend the days away living in the magic that was the mountains, and somehow that challenge felt like I was trying to run a marathon (really hard and I didn’t really want to do it anyway).
I had tried for those five days, but the real test was coming this summer as I took a whole month off. I was going on a major vacation with my family, and I wanted to savour the moments and really enjoy the time off and with them. I was determined to not get sucked into my email and life at home. I set up my autoresponders and even took all email accounts off my phone (except my main one which I did need for vacation related stuff).
When I got back, and turned everything back on, I started thinking about why it was hard, and the times I was tempted to answer an email (spoiler alert – I didn’t).
Often, I receive an auto response that says something like: I’m sorry that I’m away but I will be periodically checking emails.” Or sometimes, they will say, “I have limited access to email and so response time will be slower.”
Why can’t we simply say, “I am disconnecting and look forward to connecting upon my return. In the meantime, if your request is more urgent, please reach out to xyz?”
And even more challenging, even if we do put that we are not checking email, why do we continue to do it, and to respond?
Normally, enforcing boundaries starts with setting clear expectations, but we’ve done that with our autoresponder. So why can’t we do it? Why do we feel the (sometimes compulsive) need to respond? Do we believe they can’t function without us? Or are we scared of letting someone down?
I’ve had this conversation with many different people over the years. It saddens me to remember the number of times someone told me they feel that they can’t disconnect or take a vacation.
The invention of the smart phone, and having communication and information at our fingertips has allowed us to truly work from anywhere. The pandemic accelerated this even more (jobs we thought could never be remote suddenly had to be). This has opened a new world of possibilities for people, but it also has a dark side.
Our expectations have shifted too. We want quick (almost instant) answers to our questions and requests We’ve become impatient and, in the process, have put standards to answer immediately on ourselves too.
So, what can we do about all of this?
As a leader, you need to set expectations and build a culture that facilitates and allows disconnection.
Encourage your team to fully disconnect when they take vacation.
Ensure that their tasks can be fully covered and that you do not need to interrupt their time off.
Set that expectation with others too that they should not expect responses.
Talk about balance and the importance of disconnecting to recharging and doing their best work.
Be available to help solve challenges as they come up. Make note of those challenges so you can incorporate them into future plans.
As an individual, set the expectations with others.
Ensure you have coverage.
If you do get interrupted, make note of the issue and when you return, sort out how to solve that problem in your absence in the future.
Follow through and don’t check your email (likely the hardest part)
Talk to your manager about how to disconnect and ensure you both agree on the plan.
Communicate with others that you will be away unavailable. Be clear on your voicemail and email autoresponders and give the name and contact information for the person providing coverage in your absence.
Sound impossible? It isn’t (hard: yes, impossible: no). It starts with a desire to make it happen! What small step can you take? If you haven’t maintained these boundaries thus far, then completely disconnecting might not be realistic right now, but you can take the first step towards it.
