Mastering Conflict with Confidence: Turning Tension into Teamwork
We all carry baggage when it comes to conflict. How we were raised, previous experiences, our personality styles—all of it shapes how we feel about conflict and whether we face it head-on or avoid it entirely.
Take a moment and reflect on the words that come to mind when you hear "conflict." Are you someone who's energized by a good debate, or do you prefer to slip away quietly and hope the tension resolves itself?
There's also an important distinction to make: productive conflict focuses on ideas, strategies, and outcomes. Interpersonal conflict centers on people, personalities, and relationships. Both exist in every workplace, but it's the interpersonal kind that trips us up most often.
When Avoidance Seems Easier
Sarah manages a team of six. Two of her team members, Jake and Maria, had been collaborating on a major project for several months. On paper, they were a perfect pairing—Jake brought creativity and speed, always pushing for bold moves. Maria balanced him with careful planning, tracking every detail and thinking through alternatives.
But a few weeks before launch, something shifted. Jake started making pointed comments in meetings: "If we ever actually made a decision..." Maria would go silent, then follow up afterwards with long, detailed emails explaining why certain ideas wouldn't work. Others on the team picked up on the tension. Side conversations started happening.
Sarah felt it. That uncomfortable, awkward energy that fills a room when conflict is brewing but no one's addressing it. She told herself they were so close to launch—surely they could just push through. She didn't want to make things worse by bringing it up.
So she didn't say anything.
The passive-aggressive comments continued. Team members started staying silent in meetings or griping afterwards. Maria eventually stopped speaking up altogether—what was the point if she'd just be criticized later?
Then Maria resigned.
The Real Cost of Avoiding Conflict
We avoid conflict for understandable reasons:
It's uncomfortable
We fear damaging the relationship
We lack the skills to address it constructively
We hope it'll just resolve itself
The painful irony is that avoiding conflict to preserve relationships often destroys them instead. While we're trying to "keep the peace," resentment festers, trust erodes, and productivity suffers. Sometimes, like with Maria, we lose talented people who decide to find healthier workplaces elsewhere.
Sarah thought she was protecting the team by staying out of it. Instead, her silence sent a message: this behaviour is acceptable, and you're on your own to deal with it.
Conflict Isn't the Enemy—Avoidance Is
Most of us avoid conflict because we genuinely don't know how to handle it well. Think back to childhood—when you fought with your siblings, your parents probably said "stop fighting!" but rarely sat you down to work through why you were upset or how to resolve it differently.
Conflict management is a critical leadership skill, but it's one most of us learned through painful trial and error (with the emphasis on error). Because we don't feel confident doing it, we avoid it. Fear drives our inaction.
Patrick Lencioni talks about this in his work on team dysfunction. Healthy teams actually need conflict—the productive kind where people debate ideas, challenge assumptions, and push each other's thinking. When teams avoid all conflict in the name of artificial harmony, they make worse decisions and never build real trust.
The key is learning to approach conflict with curiosity rather than judgment. What's really going on with the other person? Is this behaviour unusual for them? What's holding you back from addressing it directly?
Sometimes the most powerful opening is simple honesty: "This is awkward and hard for me, but I want to talk about what happened in yesterday's meeting because I value our working relationship."
If Sarah had said something like that to Jake and Maria early on, the outcome might have been different.
Meeting People Where They Are
Not everyone approaches conflict the same way, and understanding these differences can prevent a lot of unnecessary escalation. The DISC framework gives us a useful lens for recognizing these patterns—both in ourselves and others.
Dominance (D styles) are direct and unafraid of conflict. They want to address issues immediately and move on. In conflict, they can view it as a competition to win, and their directness (often without a filter) can come across as anger or aggression even when that's not their intent.
Influence (I styles) seek harmony above almost everything else. They'll often avoid conflict or try to smooth it over quickly—sometimes at the expense of actually resolving the underlying issue. They worry deeply about how conflict will damage relationships.
Steadiness (S styles) are uncomfortable with tension and need time to process what's happening. They want to collect their thoughts and plan how to respond. When pushed to address conflict on the spot, they may withdraw or go completely silent.
Conscientiousness (C styles) want facts, logic, and rational discussion. They prefer to keep emotions out of it and need time to analyze the situation before responding. They can appear detached or overly clinical during tense moments.
Jake was likely a high D—pushing for quick decisions and getting frustrated when things moved slowly. Maria showed signs of high C—needing time to analyze, wanting to think through all the implications, and shutting down when she felt attacked.
Neither approach was wrong. They just processed in fundamentally different ways. And because no one recognized or named those differences, each misread the other's intentions. Jake thought Maria was blocking progress intentionally. Maria thought Jake was reckless and dismissive of her concerns.
Understanding your own style—and recognizing others'—helps you separate behaviour from intent. It keeps you from taking things personally that aren't actually personal.
What You Can Do Right Now
Recognize Your Own Baggage
Before you can navigate conflict with others, get honest about your own patterns. Do you avoid conflict or jump right in? What emotions come up when tension rises? Understanding your default response is the first step to choosing a different one when needed.
Focus on Ideas and Outcomes, Not People
Keep the conversation centered on actions, decisions, and results rather than making it about personalities or intent. "When deadlines get moved without discussion, it creates problems for the whole timeline" works better than "You never communicate."
Taking a Break Is Leadership, Not Weakness
Just because you start a difficult conversation doesn't mean you have to finish it in one sitting. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is pause: "I think we both need some time to think about this. Let's pick it back up tomorrow morning." That's not avoidance—it's giving people space to process, especially those who need it.
Use DISC as Your Guide
When conflict arises, consider: What does this person need right now based on their style? A high D might need you to be direct and quick. A high S might need reassurance that you're not attacking them personally. A high C might need time to gather their thoughts. A high I might need to know the relationship will survive this conversation.
The Tension We're Not Addressing
A question worth considering is “What conflict are you avoiding right now?”
Maybe it's feedback you need to give. Maybe it's tension between team members you've been hoping will resolve itself. Maybe it's a conversation with your own manager about misaligned expectations.
Sarah learned this the hard way. The discomfort of addressing Jake and Maria's conflict early would have been temporary. The cost of avoiding it—losing a talented team member and damaging trust across the team—was far higher.
The teams that grow and thrive aren't the ones without conflict. They're the ones that learn to work through it—awkward, uncomfortable, and necessary as it is.
Conflict handled well doesn't destroy relationships. It deepens them.
What’s Next?
Read these blog posts:
Listen to this radio show episode:
Learn more about DISC
Sign up for my Leadership Toolbox
Learn about Patrick Lencioni
Learn about The Five Behaviours of a Cohesive Team
Ask yourself how you feel about conflict and reflect on the styles of others. Determine if you can adapt your style even a little bit
