What Do You Need?
I love the haze in this photo. But haziness when dealing with issues is not ideal. Use great questions such as “What do you need?” to cut through the haze.
Years ago, a student walked into my classroom. He was visibly upset and started rambling at me. I knew he was trying to tell me something, but I had no idea what exactly he was trying to get across. I think it involved a dog, his sister and something that happened the previous evening.
I interrupted him and asked, “What do you need?”
He stopped and was quiet for a moment, and then replied, “I don’t know.”
“OK. No problem. Take a minute and a deep breath and come back to me when you know and let’s see what we can do.”
A few minutes later he approached me and simply said, “I didn’t do my homework.”
OK. I can work with that. We’ve at least identified the problem. It wasn’t exactly the answer to my question, but it got us closer.
We eventually resolved the issue. He knew he needed to tell me before class began as that was my expectation and he got there, but the question threw him for a bit of a loop. When he first came up to me, though, I had no idea what the problem was or what he needed. He was intent on giving me the entire background of why his homework was incomplete, but in his stressed, upset state, he didn’t get to the actual key point.
This same story plays out all the time. Reflect back on when someone was upset, or even excited, and were telling you about it. Were there times when you didn’t truly understand what they were saying? Or what your part in it was?
Even when the problem is clearly identified and both parties understand it, one person often wants to jump into “rescuer” mode and solve it for the other. The challenge is, however, solving other people’s problems is not an effective or efficient strategy.
The goal of leadership is to empower others. Solving their problems is the opposite of empowerment. I know I have some people in the back saying, “Whoa! All I do is solve problems; that’s my job.” I want to challenge you to reframe your thinking.
Solving other’s problems and supporting people are not the same. Rarely, are we better equipped to actually solve another person’s problems than they are to do so themself. Instead, our role should be to ask probing questions which will help them dig deeper and reflect (Michael Bungay Stanier’s book The Coaching Habit goes into great detail about this skill).
Stanier advocates the question, “How can I help?” I also love, “What do you need?” Both are similar and really flip the ownership of the problem back to the person who should solve it.
Asking these questions, and staying curious just a little bit longer (as Stanier advocates) can feel unnatural. Solving problems makes us feel good. The challenge is, in solving someone else’s problem, we rob them of that feeling of satisfaction. And we also do not empower them.
Some people revel in being the person everyone goes to solve problems, but I actually believe that it is better to revel in the ability to help others solve their own problems. Not jumping into rescuer mode, asking great probing and coaching questions, and staying silent while people talk it through is an amazing skill.
We often complain about not having enough time. Every time we take on someone else’s problem and solve it ourself, we are taking away time to accomplish our own tasks. We learn problem solving skills through practice.
There is also the chance that they don’t want us to solve it. Perhaps they just want some advice or want to brainstorm different options, or maybe, they just need a sounding board. This is especially true with women. They will often just want to vent, but the other person jumps into rescuer mode.
What do you need? And “How can I help?” are both great questions to demonstrate your support, but also keep ownership of the problem where it belongs.
The next time you are temped to jump in and solve someone’s problem, take Bungay’s advice and see if you can stay curious instead, and give “How can I help? Or “What do you need?” a try and see how it works for you.
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