Leading with Empathy: Cultivating Strong Teams Through Relationships
In fall of 2004, I returned to teaching after maternity leave. I had secured a day home and done the transition with my one year old. A few weeks into my return, my day home operator informed me that she was closing in one week.
To say I was stressed would have been an understatement. I remember walking into my principal’s office and I told her what happened. Without missing a beat, she responded with, “Well you will bring her here until you sort it out.”
I thought she was crazy (bring a one year old to a junior high), but she followed up with, “I’d rather have you here than not here, and we’ll sort this out, and support you.”
It was not the response I was expecting, but I was thankful. I had no idea if she had kids (she was new and I was just returning so I hadn’t worked with her before), but I knew by her response that she understood my stress.
Her words and actions that day were a great example of empathy.
What Empathy is:
Whenever I think of empathy, I immediately focus on Brené Brown’s work; I believe she is one of the leading authorities on the subject. She describes empathy as “… not connecting to an experience, it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.” (Brown, Dare to Lead p. 140).
Brown states that you do not need to have experienced the same situation to demonstrate empathy; you just need to connect with the feeling that the other person is experiencing.
In my example with my principal, she didn’t need to have gone through losing childcare with little notice, but rather, she just needed to connect with the emotions I was feeling: fear, stress, overwhelm.
Brown’s research identified empathy as a critical element of courageous leadership.
What Empathy isn’t:
Brown differentiates between empathy and sympathy (this video from her TED Talk does a great job). She describes sympathy as “feeling for them … Sympathy drives disconnection.” (Brown, Dare to Lead p. 152).
We often default to sympathy, rather than empathy.
Empathy also is not about fixing the problem for the other person. It isn’t comfortable, therefore, many people try to get out of the discomfort as quickly as they can. These phrases often start with “at least …” (so try to catch yourself before you say this).
It isn’t about making them feel better, as likely, your words can’t do that. What can do it, is acting in a way that they know you care about them, and that they can trust you with their emotions.
Benefits of Empathy in the Workplace:
Improved Employee Engagement
Employees leave organizations with poor management. They are looking for a sense of understanding and empathy helps with that. The younger generations demand this approach.
Enhanced Communication
To be empathetic, you need to listen carefully. You can’t jump to conclusions and you need to ask questions which all lead to improved communication.
Increased Trust and Loyalty
When employees trust their manager, they become more loyal. Increased loyalty translates to employees staying longer, rather than quitting (even quietly quitting). The sense of connection fostered through empathy serves everyone.
Improved Conflict Management
An empathetic approach to conflict forces people to try to understand other people’s perspectives which improves conflict management.
Practical Ways to Lead with Empathy
Actively Listen
Put away your phone and other distractions. Look the person in the eye and don’t interrupt them. Allow them to get everything out and acknowledge their feelings. Don’t jump to problem solving (they might just need to vent and not need your help, so don’t launch right into that). Make eye contact and demonstrate that you are fully engaged.
Create Personal Connections
You do not need to become “friends” with your employees, but you need to create connections. Ask them questions about their lives outside of work: do they have a favorite hobby, what do they do on the weekends, do they have a spouse or children … Listen for clues about what they do outside of work and ask follow up questions. For example, if someone mentions going to see a new movie on the weekend, ask them how they enjoyed it.
Be Compassionate
This sounds obvious, but often while we might intend to be compassionate, our words or actions demonstrate the opposite. Don’t say things like, “it could be worse” or “you’re lucky xyz didn’t happen” or tell them how you have faced worse. “I am sorry to hear this; how can I support you” is a great response to use instead.
Challenges with Empathy-Based Leadership:
New Skillset
While Brené Brown has done incredible work to popularize this approach, empathy-based leadership is still a new skillset. We aren’t taught to respond with empathy (many of us were raised with the “suck it up” attitude) and it takes practice.
Balancing Empathy with Accountability
Being empathetic does not mean you don’t hold people accountable. You can absolutely maintain a sense of accountability, while leading with empathy.
Avoiding Burnout
Some people will internalize others’ struggles and some believe that they need to solve everyone’s problems. Empathy requires connecting with emotions which can be overwhelming. Ensure you have the support and skills to manage your emotions and responses.
Handling Criticism
There will be people who do not believe in this approach and addressing their criticism can be a challenge, especially if it comes from your manager or higher up in the organization.
How to Develop Empathy:
Read Brené Brown: Her work on this subject is incredible.
Training and Development (Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead course is incredible)
Ask for feedback from others
Keep practicing
What’s Next?
Sign up for my free Leadership Toolbox
Watch Brené Browns TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability
Watch Brené Browns TED Talk: Listening to Shame
Watch Brené Brown’s video on Empathy vs Sympathy
Read any Brené Brown book (Dare to Lead is a practical implementation of her previous research).
Put a sticky note on your monitor with the words “At least …” crossed out as a reminder to not start any phrase with them.
Put a sticky note on your monitor with these phrases: “Thank you for trusting me with that. How can I help?” and practice using them.
Take Dare to Lead Training (if you are in the Edmonton area, Kimberly Knull runs a great course).
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